The Sandwich We Never Ate

“I can't eat that, it will make me sick,” said my newlywed hubby three days into our marriage. His words went through my heart like a sharp knife to a steak. I tried to be a good wife, but I felt like a bad wife who couldn’t create her husband the perfect PB&J sandwich for lunch.

“I will never fix you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich again!” I threw the messy PB&J sandwich in the refrigerator. I stayed on my PB&J sandwich strike for about three years.

Looking back on our first fight over a PB&J sandwich makes us laugh—it seems so small now. But it was a big issue then as newlyweds. That PB&J sandwich taught us great life lessons for relationships.

I learned not to assume Garry likes things like me. I was so busy trying to be the “good little wife” that I didn't stop to ask him, “How do you like your PB&J sandwich?”

My perfect PB&J sandwich has a lot of peanut butter and a lot of jelly. It's just a yummy good mess. And this is how I made Garry's sandwich. Garry likes his PB&J sandwich with a small amount of jelly (where you almost see the bread peeking through) and just the right amount of peanut butter. I found this out many years later from watching him make his sandwich.

Assumption kills intimacy and friendship. Garry and I asked each other questions all the time before marriage to learn about one another. It stopped after the wedding day and I allowed the attitude of ‘I got this' or 'I know what he wants' to guide me. And it led to a dead-end of hurtful words and disappointment. It takes humility to ask questions. ASKING shows him that I care about him and what he likes and not what I like. ASKING shows him I don’t have all the answers. ASKING shows a servant’s heart. I no longer assume but I ASK. ASK and ASK some more. I'm learning to treat him how I want to be treated. I learned that unhealthy expectations are like expired old jelly—moldy and no good.

Unhealthy expectations leave us disappointed, upset, and wanting. I expected my husband to be grateful for my labor of love. Like “Beauty (that's my pet name), thank you so much for making me a sandwich. You shouldn't have.” Or, “You’re the best wife in the world.” But he didn’t respond that way at all and I translated it as “He doesn't love me.”

I’ve also learned to appreciate my husband's differences by accepting them. My husband and I tease now how we are total opposites like peanut butter and jelly. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. He’s a spender and I’m a saver. He’s choleric and I’m melancholic. He’s an early bird and I’m a night owl. Opposites attract for sure. It has taken us fifteen years to understand, accept and appreciate our differences knowing that all the ingredients are there to create a delicious marriage.

We like peanut butter and jelly because they’re different from each other, but they form a great combination. They make a great team. They make a great sandwich. It can be the same for us in our marriages. Differences in marriage are a good thing, but if we fight to force each other to think the same, we will suffer great lack. Apostle Paul said it best about diversities in 1 Corinthians 12:12-26, but I want to highlight verse 17:

If the whole body were an eye, where would be the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where would be the smelling?

Differences don’t have to destroy us, but they can develop us to be a strong team. It takes diligence and intentionality to accept and appreciate other’s differences. Let's take relationship lessons from the PB&J sandwich, which has one of the longest-lasting unions in the food world. Peanut butter and jelly make it look easy, good and delicious.

My prayer is that we can do the same thing in our marriages and relationships for years to come.

If you’re married to someone or have a friend or child that's different from you. Be encouraged, they are valuable for your relationship. Comment below on one of the differences you and your spouse have.

If you are looking to improve the communication in your marriage we would love to connect with you and share a completely free resource called "Effective Communication In Marriage."